I thought about titling this blog "My journey from thin to fat and back" because that's what the weight loss stuff is for me. But the blog idea became more than weight loss. I have so many other areas that are important to me too that I couldn't just limit this blog to one thing. But this is my weight history to date and why I am still on this journey:
Growing up I was always skinny. I never had a problem with appearance and what I thought was "fat" back then, really wasn't. It was just normal insecurity I think. One year it was a freckle that I was insecure about, the next year it was my thighs. I looked good in a bikini, but never wore one because I was raised to be fairly modest and while that wasn't prohibited in my house when I looked in the dressing room mirror, I felt like I was looking at myself wearing a bra and underwear and I just couldn't do that in public. Nor did I want that kind of attention. In high school I was fairly well liked. I was never popular or anything and didn't have a string of boyfriends (I only had two before I met my husband), but let's just say I didn't really lack attention from guys either. But I also didn't let men disrespect me. I was a strong girl with a good head on my shoulders, in hindsight. However, I wasn't insecure about my weight because I had no reason to be. I was thin, but I think back then I took that for granted. I didn't starve myself or worry about it much. I didn't understand when friends who were bigger than me would feel insecure, because I looked at their inner beauty. I remember looking at those with "muffin tops" from a distance saying, "I will never have those." (Not to their faces of course, because that is rude.) I remember thinking jiggly bodies were gross and feeling sad for those people.
Fast forward 10 years and I have become that jiggly body with muffin tops. And it's kind of sad to think that teenagers are probably naively looking at me the same way I once looked at others.
The downward spiral I think began before I even realized it. I used to have a very weak stomach in high school and I did some things right that I never even realized like if I overate one day, then sometimes I'd just not eat as much the next. Not starve myself or anything, just not eat as much junk or snacks, etc. I remember my tummy feeling sick when I ate greasy foods because while I guess I did eat out more when I had a job, it wasn't something my family did much, thus I wasn't used to eat those kinds of foods all of the time. Well, long story short, part of my weak stomach was due to nerves. I would get nervous and literally puke. I had puked at some point in most of my friend's homes just because I would get nervous. Well, I had a very radical transformation with Jesus Christ when I was 16 (I asked Him into my life and believed in Him, believing He died on the cross and rose again to forgive me for my sins and have a relationship with Him and that He was Lord of my life.) So anyway, this transformation in my life meant that within about a week's time God actually lifted my depression from me that I was struggling with at the time and calmed my fears and my ability to deal with fear, I would say. So that same week that I asked Him into my life and told Him I never want to turn back, I gained 14 pounds. I weighed a meager 105 at age 16 (a lot due to my healthy activity level paired with what and how much I ate, etc.). That was fine. It put me in the 120's I suppose. And some people told me "It's nice to see you looking healthier." My thought was "Thanks for calling me fat." But, the problem was then when I would get nervous instead of getting sick or not being able to eat during those moments, I would overeat. I gradually gained and gained and gained. 10 pounds a year I gained.
One reason I gained was because growing up I had 10 siblings. Anytime anything unhealthy, thus "tasty" was around, it was gone within the day...sometimes within hours. Whenever my mom would make say Rice Krispie bars or something, you had better be home when they were made or you might not get any. So when I entered college, I could eat anything I wanted. The things that tasted good, were readily available. I was on a college meal plan, as I lived on campus, and the college's food was pretty terrible (as in gross) at that time. I would say most of the student body would talk about that fact (thankfully for college go-ers I know the food service has changed since I went there). But what tasted good every single day? The desserts. Yep. Not kidding you, so I indulged A LOT. What else was nice? Unlimited soda pop. (Being originally from MN we call it "pop.") Dr. Pepper is my absolute weakness, and I would drink it all the time. So, yep...I continued to gain weight. 10 pounds a year.
Where I believe my weight got really out of hand though was in 2007. My husband and I had been married over a year, and wanted to start a family. We found out the first week in January that we were expecting our first baby, only to wake up 2 days later having a miscarriage. I never wish a miscarriage on anyone. The loss of a baby is DEVASTATING. And as a first-time mom with no other kids it's not only the loss of a baby but the loss of hope. Questions roll through your mind like "why me?" and "will I ever be able to have a baby?" and lots of other things like that. But, after I lost David Zechariah, I truly believe that's when I went off into the deep end and didn't emerge for a LONG time. And that's when I started actually emotionally eating, which became a BAD habit for the next five years. Before that it was more about what tasted good or felt good when I was hungry. But in 2007 food began to feed my emotional instability over the grief and devastation of losing my, I believe, baby boy.
.....to be continued.....read part 2 (which I will probably write tomorrow)
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