58.4 lbs. left to lose until my ultimate goal weight! Yep, only one pound difference from what I started blogging at 50 days ago. I don't blame Weight Watchers. I will "own my weight," as Chris Powell says on Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition (love that show, by the way...but don't have half my body weight to lose...sigh to being overweight but not enough for the cool shows). Anyway,...I'm the one who got myself to this weight and I'm the one who keeps myself at this weight. In losing weight my goal is not just to do a quick fix losing of weight and go on with my life. I've lived long enough to know that it must be a lifestyle change if it's going to last. So, to be quite honest, I have not embraced the Weight Watchers program yet. I was doing well for a little while. And then that time of the month came and I let it go. I felt fat, so I started eating bad again, then the state fair happened, then my anniversary, and my daughter's birthday, and my birthday, etc. etc. Oh sure, I can list the excuses, but what is the point? The bottom line is I know what I should be doing and I haven't been doing it. But I'm choosing to not give up...which is one big reason I chose to do another month of Weight Watchers. I felt like the Holy Spirit was leading me to join for one more month and, one reason why, I think, is because my self-control with how I was eating went totally out the window again. I MADE IT TO MY PRE-PREGNANCY WEIGHT. Woo Hoo! But, then I chose to fall backwards and I regained weight again. My next weigh-in for Weight Watchers is in 4 days. It would be AWESOME to be back at pre-pregnancy weight again. I don't know if that is do-able or not. But, I feel like to really give this lifestyle a fair shot, I actually need to embrace it. I have basically 12 more days until my monthly pass runs out. I have cancelled it so it won't renew for another month, in part because my budget won't allow that (I wish they gave out scholarships...another sigh). So I have 12 more days for the at-meeting support of Weight Watchers local staff until I either do this lifestyle on my own or I choose something else to try and embrace as a healthier lifestyle. Here's to 12 more days and for me, not giving up, but pressing on and facing the fact that I failed, but not forever. :)
Kara
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
My Journey from Thin to Fat and back--Part 1
I thought about titling this blog "My journey from thin to fat and back" because that's what the weight loss stuff is for me. But the blog idea became more than weight loss. I have so many other areas that are important to me too that I couldn't just limit this blog to one thing. But this is my weight history to date and why I am still on this journey:
Growing up I was always skinny. I never had a problem with appearance and what I thought was "fat" back then, really wasn't. It was just normal insecurity I think. One year it was a freckle that I was insecure about, the next year it was my thighs. I looked good in a bikini, but never wore one because I was raised to be fairly modest and while that wasn't prohibited in my house when I looked in the dressing room mirror, I felt like I was looking at myself wearing a bra and underwear and I just couldn't do that in public. Nor did I want that kind of attention. In high school I was fairly well liked. I was never popular or anything and didn't have a string of boyfriends (I only had two before I met my husband), but let's just say I didn't really lack attention from guys either. But I also didn't let men disrespect me. I was a strong girl with a good head on my shoulders, in hindsight. However, I wasn't insecure about my weight because I had no reason to be. I was thin, but I think back then I took that for granted. I didn't starve myself or worry about it much. I didn't understand when friends who were bigger than me would feel insecure, because I looked at their inner beauty. I remember looking at those with "muffin tops" from a distance saying, "I will never have those." (Not to their faces of course, because that is rude.) I remember thinking jiggly bodies were gross and feeling sad for those people.
Fast forward 10 years and I have become that jiggly body with muffin tops. And it's kind of sad to think that teenagers are probably naively looking at me the same way I once looked at others.
The downward spiral I think began before I even realized it. I used to have a very weak stomach in high school and I did some things right that I never even realized like if I overate one day, then sometimes I'd just not eat as much the next. Not starve myself or anything, just not eat as much junk or snacks, etc. I remember my tummy feeling sick when I ate greasy foods because while I guess I did eat out more when I had a job, it wasn't something my family did much, thus I wasn't used to eat those kinds of foods all of the time. Well, long story short, part of my weak stomach was due to nerves. I would get nervous and literally puke. I had puked at some point in most of my friend's homes just because I would get nervous. Well, I had a very radical transformation with Jesus Christ when I was 16 (I asked Him into my life and believed in Him, believing He died on the cross and rose again to forgive me for my sins and have a relationship with Him and that He was Lord of my life.) So anyway, this transformation in my life meant that within about a week's time God actually lifted my depression from me that I was struggling with at the time and calmed my fears and my ability to deal with fear, I would say. So that same week that I asked Him into my life and told Him I never want to turn back, I gained 14 pounds. I weighed a meager 105 at age 16 (a lot due to my healthy activity level paired with what and how much I ate, etc.). That was fine. It put me in the 120's I suppose. And some people told me "It's nice to see you looking healthier." My thought was "Thanks for calling me fat." But, the problem was then when I would get nervous instead of getting sick or not being able to eat during those moments, I would overeat. I gradually gained and gained and gained. 10 pounds a year I gained.
One reason I gained was because growing up I had 10 siblings. Anytime anything unhealthy, thus "tasty" was around, it was gone within the day...sometimes within hours. Whenever my mom would make say Rice Krispie bars or something, you had better be home when they were made or you might not get any. So when I entered college, I could eat anything I wanted. The things that tasted good, were readily available. I was on a college meal plan, as I lived on campus, and the college's food was pretty terrible (as in gross) at that time. I would say most of the student body would talk about that fact (thankfully for college go-ers I know the food service has changed since I went there). But what tasted good every single day? The desserts. Yep. Not kidding you, so I indulged A LOT. What else was nice? Unlimited soda pop. (Being originally from MN we call it "pop.") Dr. Pepper is my absolute weakness, and I would drink it all the time. So, yep...I continued to gain weight. 10 pounds a year.
Where I believe my weight got really out of hand though was in 2007. My husband and I had been married over a year, and wanted to start a family. We found out the first week in January that we were expecting our first baby, only to wake up 2 days later having a miscarriage. I never wish a miscarriage on anyone. The loss of a baby is DEVASTATING. And as a first-time mom with no other kids it's not only the loss of a baby but the loss of hope. Questions roll through your mind like "why me?" and "will I ever be able to have a baby?" and lots of other things like that. But, after I lost David Zechariah, I truly believe that's when I went off into the deep end and didn't emerge for a LONG time. And that's when I started actually emotionally eating, which became a BAD habit for the next five years. Before that it was more about what tasted good or felt good when I was hungry. But in 2007 food began to feed my emotional instability over the grief and devastation of losing my, I believe, baby boy.
.....to be continued.....read part 2 (which I will probably write tomorrow)
Growing up I was always skinny. I never had a problem with appearance and what I thought was "fat" back then, really wasn't. It was just normal insecurity I think. One year it was a freckle that I was insecure about, the next year it was my thighs. I looked good in a bikini, but never wore one because I was raised to be fairly modest and while that wasn't prohibited in my house when I looked in the dressing room mirror, I felt like I was looking at myself wearing a bra and underwear and I just couldn't do that in public. Nor did I want that kind of attention. In high school I was fairly well liked. I was never popular or anything and didn't have a string of boyfriends (I only had two before I met my husband), but let's just say I didn't really lack attention from guys either. But I also didn't let men disrespect me. I was a strong girl with a good head on my shoulders, in hindsight. However, I wasn't insecure about my weight because I had no reason to be. I was thin, but I think back then I took that for granted. I didn't starve myself or worry about it much. I didn't understand when friends who were bigger than me would feel insecure, because I looked at their inner beauty. I remember looking at those with "muffin tops" from a distance saying, "I will never have those." (Not to their faces of course, because that is rude.) I remember thinking jiggly bodies were gross and feeling sad for those people.
Fast forward 10 years and I have become that jiggly body with muffin tops. And it's kind of sad to think that teenagers are probably naively looking at me the same way I once looked at others.
The downward spiral I think began before I even realized it. I used to have a very weak stomach in high school and I did some things right that I never even realized like if I overate one day, then sometimes I'd just not eat as much the next. Not starve myself or anything, just not eat as much junk or snacks, etc. I remember my tummy feeling sick when I ate greasy foods because while I guess I did eat out more when I had a job, it wasn't something my family did much, thus I wasn't used to eat those kinds of foods all of the time. Well, long story short, part of my weak stomach was due to nerves. I would get nervous and literally puke. I had puked at some point in most of my friend's homes just because I would get nervous. Well, I had a very radical transformation with Jesus Christ when I was 16 (I asked Him into my life and believed in Him, believing He died on the cross and rose again to forgive me for my sins and have a relationship with Him and that He was Lord of my life.) So anyway, this transformation in my life meant that within about a week's time God actually lifted my depression from me that I was struggling with at the time and calmed my fears and my ability to deal with fear, I would say. So that same week that I asked Him into my life and told Him I never want to turn back, I gained 14 pounds. I weighed a meager 105 at age 16 (a lot due to my healthy activity level paired with what and how much I ate, etc.). That was fine. It put me in the 120's I suppose. And some people told me "It's nice to see you looking healthier." My thought was "Thanks for calling me fat." But, the problem was then when I would get nervous instead of getting sick or not being able to eat during those moments, I would overeat. I gradually gained and gained and gained. 10 pounds a year I gained.
One reason I gained was because growing up I had 10 siblings. Anytime anything unhealthy, thus "tasty" was around, it was gone within the day...sometimes within hours. Whenever my mom would make say Rice Krispie bars or something, you had better be home when they were made or you might not get any. So when I entered college, I could eat anything I wanted. The things that tasted good, were readily available. I was on a college meal plan, as I lived on campus, and the college's food was pretty terrible (as in gross) at that time. I would say most of the student body would talk about that fact (thankfully for college go-ers I know the food service has changed since I went there). But what tasted good every single day? The desserts. Yep. Not kidding you, so I indulged A LOT. What else was nice? Unlimited soda pop. (Being originally from MN we call it "pop.") Dr. Pepper is my absolute weakness, and I would drink it all the time. So, yep...I continued to gain weight. 10 pounds a year.
Where I believe my weight got really out of hand though was in 2007. My husband and I had been married over a year, and wanted to start a family. We found out the first week in January that we were expecting our first baby, only to wake up 2 days later having a miscarriage. I never wish a miscarriage on anyone. The loss of a baby is DEVASTATING. And as a first-time mom with no other kids it's not only the loss of a baby but the loss of hope. Questions roll through your mind like "why me?" and "will I ever be able to have a baby?" and lots of other things like that. But, after I lost David Zechariah, I truly believe that's when I went off into the deep end and didn't emerge for a LONG time. And that's when I started actually emotionally eating, which became a BAD habit for the next five years. Before that it was more about what tasted good or felt good when I was hungry. But in 2007 food began to feed my emotional instability over the grief and devastation of losing my, I believe, baby boy.
.....to be continued.....read part 2 (which I will probably write tomorrow)
Thursday, August 1, 2013
I want to do the minimum!
I want to do the minimum! Do you ever feel that way? You want to do as little as possible to see results? I feel that way sometimes. I just want to survive to face another day. Because when I look around I see in the mirror someone who is obese and it's overwhelming. I look around my living room at something that is complete chaos. Mess everywhere. I look at my finances and sometimes it feels there is no possible way of getting out of debt in this decade. It takes every ounce of energy to convince myself to do SOMEthing. But, I must do something. And more than the minimum. Because if I only do the minimum, I will only see minimal results. I will never rise above these ashes and soar if I only do the minimum. I will never get ahead. I need to muster up the motivation to do as much as I possibly can, within good reason, to do well and do my best, not my minimum. This passage came to mind from the Bible:
Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Friday, July 19, 2013
30 Days of Weight Watchers--Day 1
Well, I did it. I bit the bullet and joined Weight Watchers. As mentioned, one of the things I am trying to lose is weight. Maybe I'll make a "history of" type of explanation of how I got where I am, but I am, as of the Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesday 53.4 lbs. overweight for my height still. So, longterm, I actually want to lose 59.4 lbs. to be in the middle weight-range for my height. Yay! It's finally less than 60 lbs. that I have to lose! Truthfully, I had joined Weight Watchers last month and lost 3.2 lbs. last month, but for blogging purposes and to give it a real good shot, I am doing another 30 days. The thing about weight-loss is that it needs to become a lifestyle. Almost any "diet" will tell you that these days. But how many of those could you actually follow for life. I've tried a couple of different things over the last several years. All of them worked in the short term, but I decided to try Weight Watchers again (I had joined two years ago too, after my second child was born, but didn't last very long), because I could see it becoming a lifestyle for me. I know people who have lost weight doing it, and kept it off because they continually live the lifestyle. And Weight Watchers changed their program a bit since I was last in it. So, here I am at the beginning. I've also looked into other lifestyles like clean eating, and becoming vegan, and while I'm interested in trying those, Weight Watchers really didn't take any prep. time before starting, so I thought this is where I will start for 30 days. I was able to join because of a gift from someone (you'll see more about my finances in other posts), and just bought the monthly pass. Look it up at weightwatchers.com if you want to do this. Their site will help you find a meeting local to your area and you can pay either on-line or at the meeting. So--my first day I way over-ate. I tracked my food and 5k training (see post on that), but bottom line is that even when they say that being a nursing mom means lots more points, it's still not a lot to someone who is used to living a lifestyle of overeating. Good thing they give you a weekly allowance too, which I dipped into for the day. My goal this week is to follow the plan as much to a T as I can, because I really want to reach my first short-term goal within the next two weeks if possible. I broke down my weight-loss goals into mini-goals. My first mini-goal is to lose 2.4 more pounds which will bring me down to pre-pregnancy weight with my third baby! I have NEVER made it to pre-pregnancy weight before. Each pregnancy I started out heavier and heavier, so this would be a major accomplishment for me. Here's to my somewhere in weight loss. I have 30 days from today to see if Weight Watchers is a realistic lifestyle for me. And, after those 30 days, sadly, I will probably have to do it on my own or do something different, because I won't be able to afford it next month unless something changes.
Whew...I worked out.../First 5k training/My somewhere in Fitness
I returned not too long ago from my first day of training for a 5k. Now, before you stop reading, I am not normally a running type of person. I have never consistently worked out, actually. I'm not proud of that fact. That is just how it is. I've dabbled at attempts in the past, had gym memberships, worked out for maybe a month or two at a time, and then because of schedule or finances or physical problems or moving or whatever, I stopped. But I don't know if I've ever actually had a fitness goal, specifically of something to achieve fitness-wise. Well, now I do. I decided I want to run a 5k this summer. For me, this is kind of a big deal, because I had a C-section just under 3 months ago. And now, because of schedule (being gone) and my physical limitations, etc. I am training for this thing in just under three weeks. Am I crazy? Yes. But am I determined to do it no matter what? Yes. Probably the bad thing for me is I'm determined to do this 5k whether I am in shape or not. My goal is not to run it nor race it, but if I finish it, I will be one happy lady. :) This is my somewhere in fitness. I am taking this step. It's a leap of faith. And those that know me well think I'm crazy. But, I guess if they didn't think I was crazy, I wouldn't be taking chances. And I desperately need to get in shape: for many reasons including my health. Last week I found a website that had a couch-to-5k in one month training schedule that someone did, so that is what I'm attempting. Although, now my 4 weeks has turned into 3 because of procrastination. But, this is the plan I am doing. I encourage you to try a 5k too. Oh, and I recruited a few women from my local MOPS group to join me who are also not in shape at all and totally starting from scratch, so that I won't feel like an idiot doing this myself. I asked for volunteers. Don't worry. And, now I'm documenting my journey. Accountability is nice. Enough about me. Here is the link to the training plan:
weonlydothisonce.com/824/how-to-go-from-couch-to-5k-in-one-month/
weonlydothisonce.com/824/how-to-go-from-couch-to-5k-in-one-month/
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Where Do I Start To Lose?/An intro.
Have you ever felt SO frustrated to the point that you don't know what to do? You are so far gone in a particular area that there is no possible way (so you think) to get out of it. Sometimes you even search for help, yet there never seems to be a "right" answer to help you get out of the mess you are in. Well, I have felt that way A LOT.
Example #1--One day I was super frustrated with my house. By nature, I am not a clean person. My house is usually disheveled to some level. And I also feel like I am constantly working on this. It's not like I don't try or care. I do. Anyway, so I call my Grandma, who is the kind of person whose floor you could eat off of it's so clean. She had five children plus foster children so I thought surely, she must have some advice. I said, "Grandma, how did you keep your house clean with little ones at home?" She responds, "You thought my house was clean? Hah!" Thanks for the help, Grandma. :) Not encouraging.
Example #2--I am overweight and have been for quite some time. So I noticed this girl who I used to know has lost a remarkable amount of weight, and I'd guess in a healthy way, because she is now one of those marathon-running type people. A HUGE change (no pun intended) in her life, noticeable to all. So I contact her to see how she did it, what's her secret? I sincerely want to know. And I never get a response.
So, my question in any area is: Where do I start to Lose (or Gain, for that matter)? The answer is really quite simple: SOMEwhere. Huh? Yep, somewhere. You can't move in any direction if you don't take an action and move right? So these are the stories of my "somewheres," the steps I'm taking to lose to gain. And in part I write so that when some one eventually asks me (and I hope that they do) how I lost in any area: weight, debt, surrendering to God, whatever, that I can say: "check out my blog. this is my journey." I don't believe in "magic formulas." It takes a lot to get me sold on a certain brand or way of life. I'm a skeptical, to put it bluntly. And it might not be any one way that I take to lose weight, for example. I might try different things. But, the important thing is that I move in the right direction; that I don't be lazy and stay as I am, but that I strive for something better, to be a better version of me.
I will say the one area where there is only one way, is to God, and that is through his son Jesus Christ. "For God so loved the world (that's us) that he gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" --John 3:16 Jesus also said in John 14:6 " ... I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." That said, I still struggle with growing in Christ. How do I remain in God and He in me, as it says in the Bible (in John 15)? There's an old song that says, "Read your Bible, always pray, tell of Jesus love each day..." etc. But how? How do I, who has a busy little household with three kids, never gets enough sleep, and rarely has alone time, seek the God of the Bible? There are no "right" answers I don't think. The answer is to start SOMEwhere.
So, I start my journey today. Not on a Monday, not on the first of the month, or even the 15th of the month. But I'm starting Somewhere. I hope you start somewhere too.
Example #1--One day I was super frustrated with my house. By nature, I am not a clean person. My house is usually disheveled to some level. And I also feel like I am constantly working on this. It's not like I don't try or care. I do. Anyway, so I call my Grandma, who is the kind of person whose floor you could eat off of it's so clean. She had five children plus foster children so I thought surely, she must have some advice. I said, "Grandma, how did you keep your house clean with little ones at home?" She responds, "You thought my house was clean? Hah!" Thanks for the help, Grandma. :) Not encouraging.
Example #2--I am overweight and have been for quite some time. So I noticed this girl who I used to know has lost a remarkable amount of weight, and I'd guess in a healthy way, because she is now one of those marathon-running type people. A HUGE change (no pun intended) in her life, noticeable to all. So I contact her to see how she did it, what's her secret? I sincerely want to know. And I never get a response.
So, my question in any area is: Where do I start to Lose (or Gain, for that matter)? The answer is really quite simple: SOMEwhere. Huh? Yep, somewhere. You can't move in any direction if you don't take an action and move right? So these are the stories of my "somewheres," the steps I'm taking to lose to gain. And in part I write so that when some one eventually asks me (and I hope that they do) how I lost in any area: weight, debt, surrendering to God, whatever, that I can say: "check out my blog. this is my journey." I don't believe in "magic formulas." It takes a lot to get me sold on a certain brand or way of life. I'm a skeptical, to put it bluntly. And it might not be any one way that I take to lose weight, for example. I might try different things. But, the important thing is that I move in the right direction; that I don't be lazy and stay as I am, but that I strive for something better, to be a better version of me.
I will say the one area where there is only one way, is to God, and that is through his son Jesus Christ. "For God so loved the world (that's us) that he gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" --John 3:16 Jesus also said in John 14:6 " ... I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." That said, I still struggle with growing in Christ. How do I remain in God and He in me, as it says in the Bible (in John 15)? There's an old song that says, "Read your Bible, always pray, tell of Jesus love each day..." etc. But how? How do I, who has a busy little household with three kids, never gets enough sleep, and rarely has alone time, seek the God of the Bible? There are no "right" answers I don't think. The answer is to start SOMEwhere.
So, I start my journey today. Not on a Monday, not on the first of the month, or even the 15th of the month. But I'm starting Somewhere. I hope you start somewhere too.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Beginnings
Today I begin my blog. I title it "Losing To Gain it All" which stands for three main things:
1-Losing Weight to Gain health (and much more).
2-Losing Myself to Gain more of Christ.
3-Losing Debt to Gain freedom.
My journey will be chronicled on this blog in all three areas. And you will know much of my life story (thus far) if you read my posts in all these areas. I also may include other posts about losing things (like my mind), funny stories, random thoughts, etc. But as I really thought about what is on my heart a lot, the journey I'd like to share with others, these three stood out. I didn't want to pick just one thing. But these are the three big ones for me right now. And, they all fall into the category of something I am trying to lose or gain. Please journey with me. I'd love to hear your stories too, like maybe how you have mastered or failed in these areas. And I'm pretty much an open book as you will see. So, if you have any questions, please contact me at: losingtogainitall@gmail.com.
For the first time but not the last,
Kara
1-Losing Weight to Gain health (and much more).
2-Losing Myself to Gain more of Christ.
3-Losing Debt to Gain freedom.
My journey will be chronicled on this blog in all three areas. And you will know much of my life story (thus far) if you read my posts in all these areas. I also may include other posts about losing things (like my mind), funny stories, random thoughts, etc. But as I really thought about what is on my heart a lot, the journey I'd like to share with others, these three stood out. I didn't want to pick just one thing. But these are the three big ones for me right now. And, they all fall into the category of something I am trying to lose or gain. Please journey with me. I'd love to hear your stories too, like maybe how you have mastered or failed in these areas. And I'm pretty much an open book as you will see. So, if you have any questions, please contact me at: losingtogainitall@gmail.com.
For the first time but not the last,
Kara
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